Practical Advice for Parents Navigating Divorce Under California Laws
Divorce is one of the most difficult changes a family can face, and when kids are involved, it becomes even more challenging. As a parent, you want to protect your children from any unnecessary pain. You may feel tempted to soften the truth or avoid tough conversations altogether. It’s a natural instinct.
However, when it comes to divorce, kids need honesty—delivered with love and care. They don’t need every detail about why things are ending, but they do need clarity and reassurance about what this change means for them. They’ll sense when something isn’t right, and if they don’t hear the truth from you, they may create their own stories, often filled with fear and confusion.
At Fontes Law Group, we’ve guided families throughout Southern California, including Santa Ana and Riverside, through every step of the divorce process. We’re not just lawyers—we’re advocates for families navigating emotional and legal challenges. If you’re struggling with how to talk to your children about divorce, let’s break it down together.
Why Kids Need the Truth
Children are incredibly perceptive. They know when something is wrong, even if you haven’t said a word. When they’re left to their own imagination, they often assume the worst or blame themselves. That’s why being honest with your kids about divorce is so important. It clears up their confusion and reassures them that, no matter what, they are loved and supported.
That doesn’t mean you need to tell them everything. Kids don’t need to know the private details of what caused the divorce or hear any blame placed on either parent. Instead, focus on the facts that directly affect them and deliver the message in a calm, neutral tone.
Here’s what honesty looks like:
- Be clear and simple: Focus on the basics—what’s happening and how it will affect their lives.
- Avoid blame: Frame the conversation as a shared decision, even if it wasn’t.
- Reassure them: Emphasize that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will always love them.
For example:
- Young kids (ages 3-6): “Mom and Dad are going to live in different houses, but we both love you very much. That will never change.”
- School-age kids (7-12): “Mom and Dad have decided to get a divorce. We think this is the best decision for us, but we will both always be here for you.”
- Teenagers (13-18): “This is a tough decision, and we’re sorry for the stress it may cause. You can always come to us with questions or feelings. We’re here to listen.”
The goal is to provide enough information to help them understand what’s happening without overwhelming them.
What Kids Need Most During Divorce
Divorce disrupts your child’s world, and they need reassurance about the things that matter most to them. Even as their family changes, you can give them stability by focusing on three key areas:
- Reassurance of Love
Make it clear that your love for them hasn’t changed. Repeat this often, because kids can struggle with feelings of guilt or insecurity during divorce. - Stability and Routine
Consistency makes kids feel safe. Even when things are changing, try to keep their routines as stable as possible—school, bedtime schedules, and activities with friends. - Clarity About the Future
Kids will naturally ask questions like, “Where will I live?” or “Will I still see both of you?” Be as specific as you can. If you don’t have all the answers yet, be honest about that too: “We’re working on a plan, and we’ll let you know as soon as we figure it out.”
Under California law, parenting plans are a key part of ensuring stability for children. These plans outline custody arrangements, visitation schedules, and decision-making responsibilities. You can learn more about creating effective parenting plans on the California Courts Parenting Plan Guide.
How to Prepare for the Conversation
Before you sit down with your kids, it’s important to prepare. Divorce can be emotional for you too, and having a plan will help you stay calm and confident.
- Plan What to Say
Decide in advance how you’ll explain the divorce. Focus on the message you want your kids to hear:- “We love you.”
- “This is not your fault.”
- “Here’s what’s changing, and here’s what will stay the same.”
- Choose the Right Time and Place
Pick a quiet, private time when you won’t be interrupted. Avoid breaking the news right before school or bedtime. - Talk Together If Possible
If you and your co-parent can have this conversation together, that’s ideal. Presenting a united front shows your kids that you’re still a team when it comes to parenting. If that’s not possible, make sure both parents deliver the same consistent message.
Answering Tough Questions
Children are bound to have questions, and some will be tough to answer. That’s okay. It’s better to acknowledge their questions honestly than to avoid them.
Here are some ways to handle common concerns:
- “Why are you getting divorced?”
“Mom and Dad don’t get along the way we should, and we think this is the best decision. It’s not your fault, and we both love you very much.” - “Where will I live?”
“We’re working on a plan that will make sure you get to spend time with both of us. You’ll always have a home.” - “Will you get back together?”
“No, we won’t, but we’ll always work together to take care of you.” - “Did I do something wrong?”
“Absolutely not. This has nothing to do with you, and nothing you did caused this to happen.”
If you don’t have all the answers yet, be honest: “I don’t know yet, but I promise I’ll tell you as soon as I do.” Your honesty will build trust and help them feel secure.
California Custody Laws and What They Mean for Kids
One of the biggest worries children have during divorce is where they will live. In California, custody decisions are made based on what’s in the best interest of the child, as outlined in California Family Code Section 3011.
There are two types of custody:
- Legal Custody: Who makes decisions about the child’s health, education, and general welfare.
- Physical Custody: Where the child lives day-to-day.
Parents are encouraged to work together to create a parenting plan that outlines custody and visitation schedules. If you and your co-parent can’t agree, mediation is often the next step. Mediation allows both parents to work with a neutral third party to come up with a solution that prioritizes the child’s needs. You can learn more about mediation on the California Courts Mediation Guide.
At Fontes Law Group, we help families create parenting plans and navigate custody decisions in a way that reduces conflict and puts the child first.
Staying United as Co-Parents
Even though your romantic relationship has ended, you’re still co-parents. Working together as a team will make this transition easier for your children.
Keep these tips in mind:
Be Consistent: Agree on a shared message about the divorce.
Avoid Badmouthing Each Other: Speaking negatively about the other parent puts your child in the middle, which isn’t fair to them.
Keep Communication Open: Talk about schedules, routines, and decisions affecting your kids. Tools like co-parenting apps can help make this easier.
Remember, your kids are watching how you handle this. By showing respect and cooperation, you’ll teach them valuable lessons about resilience and teamwork.
FAQs About Talking to Kids About Divorce
1. How do I start the conversation about divorce?
Keep it simple, clear, and age-appropriate. Focus on love, reassurance, and what changes they can expect.
2. Should I involve my kids in decisions about custody?
For older children, it’s okay to ask for their input, but the final decision should prioritize their best interests.
3. What if my child blames themselves for the divorce?
Reassure them repeatedly that it’s not their fault. Kids often internalize guilt, so this is a message they need to hear over and over.
4. How do I handle my child’s anger or sadness?
Allow them to express their feelings. Listen patiently, validate their emotions, and remind them that it’s okay to feel upset.
Final Thoughts on How to Talk to Kids About Divorce
Divorce is never easy, but honesty, love, and consistency can make a world of difference for your children. By focusing on what they need most—reassurance, stability, and clarity—you can help them navigate this transition with confidence and security.
At Fontes Law Group, we’re here to help you every step of the way. From custody agreements to co-parenting plans, our compassionate, bilingual team provides guidance tailored to your family’s needs.
If you need help navigating divorce, contact us today to schedule a consultation. We’re here for families in Santa Ana, Riverside, and across Southern California.
For more information on California custody laws, visit California Courts Self-Help: Custody or Parenting Plans and Agreements.